My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
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Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Waiting for the Charmin
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay