My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
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“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
So I went to the Doctors yesterday to ask him if he could give me anything for awful wind.
He handed me a kite !!
#mondaymirth
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
