My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
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‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
I’ve had so much tea trying to get rid of this cold that I’m now speaking with a British accent and am fascinated with the Royal family.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
My joke about a partition wall really split the room
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.