My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
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wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Friday the 13th used to mean something. Now every day is awful.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Human are so complicated
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away