My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
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Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water
Checkmate, Allegiant
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Camping tip: No.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.