My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
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Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
jesus, what did this guy do
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
🤣😂🤣😂
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.