My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
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Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Me (at a tournament): I win!
*throws ball into the crowd*Manager of bowling alley: Okay, that’s not right.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.