@markleggett

My cat’s staring at the wall again. Either she can see ghosts, or she’s mulling over past social situations she wishes she’d handled better.

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@cervixsmash

Tell someone you love them today because life is short. But SHOUT it at them in German because life is also terrifying and confusing

@TheNYAMProject

My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.

Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*

@Try2StopME

Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.

@Contwixt

The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.

@Ristolable

[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger

@moose_chocolate

Before you move to Canada after Trump gets elected, just know that it’s May 13th and it’s currently snowing here.

@ingmarbirdman

i sold all my lizards to buy my girlfriend a Toyota Tundra but she sold her drivers license to buy me a awesome obstacle course for lizards

@AmishPornStar1

If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.

@stevevsninjas

jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.

– looking for shells on the north pole beach

@ericsshadow

THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth

EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*

ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*