Tell someone you love them today because life is short. But SHOUT it at them in German because life is also terrifying and confusing
My cat’s staring at the wall again. Either she can see ghosts, or she’s mulling over past social situations she wishes she’d handled better.
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My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Before you move to Canada after Trump gets elected, just know that it’s May 13th and it’s currently snowing here.
i sold all my lizards to buy my girlfriend a Toyota Tundra but she sold her drivers license to buy me a awesome obstacle course for lizards
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
– looking for shells on the north pole beach
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*