My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
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no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
no one likes gloating
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people