my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
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Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Body: it’s sleepy time.
Brain: it’s thinky time.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”
No, I’m at a desk reading your email.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!