Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.

I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores

My boss just texted me and said,“Send me one of your funny jokes please.”
I replied “ I’m working hard at the moment,I will send you one later.”

He replied, “That was fantastic,send me another one.”

me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense

Short story

i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite

My sex drive has a dui

Me: I only want two strips of bacon.

Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.

Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.

Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.

Boss: But we’re not serving food.

Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.

😂

When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…

Y’know, to buy myself some time.

Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.

Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!

-You mean pinched

[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]

It’s pinched?

Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today

I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.

What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.

Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!

I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁

Man goes to a Doctor.

“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”

“Does it burn?”

“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”

I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator

*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away

If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.

Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.

A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.

It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”

Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?

My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.

I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.

My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.

Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son

Me: I dunno probably street fighter