My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
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at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
The cheapest way to fly is off the handle
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
If you factor in the complimentary drinks, I only lost 3000 dollars at blackjack.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”