My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
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A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Voting is the worst group project
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.