My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
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It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s