My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
You Might Also Like
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
President The Rock Obama
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal