My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
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If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
(putting my jacket over a woman’s shoulders) I’m actually really cold now haha. It’s ok though. Oh wow it’s super cold. Oh my god
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too