ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
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*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line