”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
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WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Nigella has gone too far this time.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life