Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
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I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
She puts the hot in psychotic
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.