My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
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They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Cucumbers Anonymous
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people