My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
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[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
My 5 y/o just pooped teal. I asked what she ate and she said, I hid in the pantry yesterday and ate all the blue sprinkles in the shaker. FFS
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
I support this random dude and all his protests
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
No one:
My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.