Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.

Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker

Me: wow

My sock puppet: WOW

Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat

Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is

#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..

You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.

Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-

Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.

Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-

Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*

Him: How do you even steer?

Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.

I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.

What the world needs now is love, sweet love…

And an extinction level asteroid.

When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.

We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids

I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.

Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.

My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.

I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.

DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?

JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.

On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.

Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria

*tourists taking photos*

Me: Any questions? Yes. You there

Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room

*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*

I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform

Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.

i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious

What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?

I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.

Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down

*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*

[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.

To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.