My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
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Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
There is no “we” in chocolate.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.
Like sleeping!
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Spider-cat: No One Home
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash