My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
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[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway