My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
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Marriage: When dating goes too far.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?