My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
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My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
If the NSA is monitoring our texts we are so screwed.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat
my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Pilgrim: What the hell is that?
Native American: Don’t ask us. We thought you brought it.
– The first green bean casserole.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.