My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
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Wife:
4 firefighters show up
Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple
Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?
Check mate
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Rest assured?!
Buddy I have young children, the only thing I’m assured of, is that I won’t be resting for long
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.