My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
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The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
I had a well check visit today & my doctor, in the middle of listening to my chest, asked me how the library was & if it was busy now that kids were back in school.
I don’t work at a library. I don’t know what he’s talking about.
I just rolled with it. The library is fiiiiiine.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
🐕🍷
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
fourth time’s the charm
