My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
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My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back