My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
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“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
😅😅😅
#CatsOnTwitter
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Uh oh…
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
My boss thought these were “little pumpkin somethings” and bit into one.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer