Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet

Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage

Coffee: hi

Me: hey

*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*

Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.

my friend came out to her parents first because she didn’t want to choose her new name and she “liked their work the first time”

911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.

History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”

We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee

[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*

“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working

Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow

Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*

Me: He means a graph

Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY

dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*

Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined

You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*

If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.

sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much

ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,

THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.

ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.

THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY

BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.

A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.

They did it with a straight face too.

Me: finally drifting off to sleep

The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this

I slept like shit.

– how adults say “good morning”

Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…

Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?

Just me?

Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?

When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.

Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.

In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?

When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.

Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going?”

Me: “Officer, I’m focused on the future.”

A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”

“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.

CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.