My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Oh yeah that’s it
![]()
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.