My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.
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Real House Wines.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Story idea: Man has his palm read, is told he will be killed within a year surrounded by penguins.
Man cancels his upcoming trip to Antarctica, avoids zoos, and then is shot dead at a Batman convention.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Tuesday
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.