My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.
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This global outage sounds like I’m finally getting the y2k bug I was promised as a child
gonna start parting my hair down the middle so i can write poetry better
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”