Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear

Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.

[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*

went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward

Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.

*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*

Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.

Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA

You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.

Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.

Me: [to myself] ok, act cool

Crush: nice weather today

Me: thanks

[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]

Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade

My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.

We need more people like this.

*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs

[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now

So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.

waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes

me: what’s in them?

It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!

likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.

Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go

Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?

[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.

We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off

– airlines airlining

I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.

Kid: Mom, will you play with me?

Me: Sure.

Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.

Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*

Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.

[rap battle]

Opponent: *crushes it*

Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*

My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.

[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen