My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.
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[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”