My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
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taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
You are what you eat! (If anyone needed more encouragement to eat the rich.)
Just me and my debit card against the world
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
secret recipe
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Snacking is the boredom activity you can do with your pants on
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.