My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
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in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
This rocks
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Dude at the gym: whoa that’s a lot of weight
Me: [picking up my stack of bills again] yea man and that’s just this month
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems