My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
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I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.