My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
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AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
I only sing in the car when it’s in reverse. I’m a backup singer
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*