Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.

There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.

It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.

McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”

Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it

When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.

brain: did we get anything done this weekend?

me: no

brain: ok then at least we relaxed

me: somehow also no

Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?

Me: Please, they’re starving.

How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding

Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.

I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.

I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.

Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”

[at the top of mt everest]

friend: i can’t believe we did it!

me: i know!

friend: what do you think of the view?

me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.

Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here

A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁

It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

“Your colon will thank you”

Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me

Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!

Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?

Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”

A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.

My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.

I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.

I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.

if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)

20 minutes: I have plenty of time

15 minutes: OH SHIT

If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon

I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one

[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here

My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.

And that’s what happened your honour.

“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”

Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.

GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE