My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
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The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
🤣😂🤣😂
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway