my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
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JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
My girlfriend and I met through a dating agency for dolphin impersonators. The minute we met we just clicked
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter