my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
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everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓
Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking
Companies, stop informing me that my personal information may have been compromised, I just assume it’s everywhere at this point. Project it onscreen at a Taylor Swift concert, I really don’t give a shit.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
These 3D printers are insane!
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
everyday is christmas if you’re a shopaholic with adult money
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.