my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
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her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6