Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”

[hospital]

Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!

Nurse: you have a great attitude!

Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )

Nurse: aw : )

[funeral]

My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.

I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.

customer: can I return this bird food?

me: we don’t take returns

customer: can I give some feedback?

me: what did I just say

if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month

5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.

My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them

Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?

I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries

*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*

This contest is hard

“I found my charger!!”

– a love story

An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.

if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools

Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.

I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.

To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …

If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money

The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.

That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.

I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.

Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta

awesome draft from months ago i just found

Every time my phone rings

My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.

When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-

She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.

I know this now.

I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.

How my wife saves money:

Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.

Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?

*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*

[sheriff’s office]

me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition

deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records

me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now

Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.

My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.

We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.

I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.

Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.