my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
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Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!
Me: I don’t wanna
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
long lost
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Livid.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
My biological clock is wheezing.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]