My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
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Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
My last name is Zilla.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
I really need a sledgehammer for perfectly harmless reasons.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
fly smarter, not harder
