My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
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I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Give us this day our daily internet validation
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.
I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”
He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Is this anything
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good