My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
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If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
sleeping beauty
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.