Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st day in Senate]

Me: I’m against genetic engineering.

Scientist: We’ve developed kids with volume knobs.

Me: How much funding do you need.

Coffee is cheaper than bail

Starbucks – You sure about that?

Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“

saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber

The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die

Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:

I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.

Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is

They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”

I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.

Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road

Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.

“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”

– The Swiss Army

Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.

little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths

Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…

[bakery]

me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday

clerk: ok what about this one

me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?

FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime

ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-

THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out

Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY

Nick’s coming over

Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?

*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE

The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*

[Next Night]

Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit

Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?

Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.

Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.

I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.

Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs

Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.

@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?

You know what sucks about Karaoke?

Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna

1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn’t want in cider

Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it