My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
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Someone called me “unhinged,” and I have never felt more understood
Why is no one talking about this?!
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a