My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
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Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
i meant to share this earlier
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*