The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
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My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
[plot twist] ur buried vertically