My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
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Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
woman protagonist, written by a man: i looked in the mirror. i wasn’t beautiful. but i was fine with that. my hair is brown, and i am 35. but i wont let that kill me
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
I can easily control the weather.
– buy a new $600 snowblower: no snow all winter
– spend $2000 on new gutters: severe drought
– buy steaks to grill outside: Sharknado
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”