Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-

Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women

Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right

Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID

I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own

This is why you don’t eat at everybody house

Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders

[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY

Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.

I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.

The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.

*Backstreet Boys voice*

Am I acceptable?

Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.

animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what

Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.

Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock

That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us

[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that

[after a plane crash]

Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/

My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on

Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock

The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken

I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.

Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.

this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?

Husband: you’re late

Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog

Husband: No

Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster

My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.

So I’ve got that going for me.

I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.

I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.

5: I miss Mama’s food.

Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.

5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.

Me: oh.

5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.

Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.

Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”