Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge

YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.

Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.

*goat walks into a bar

*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats it

goat: Hit me again.

The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early

Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha

Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife

Some people were born into their job.

Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving

Architects should try and design a house with no yelling

We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this

don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness

BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!

On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.

Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..

It’s complicated.

-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.

Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.

I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance

me: one big skeleton please

clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s

me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please

I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom

You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.

*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time

I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t

Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika

Executioners flirting:

You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!

HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral

SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”

ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”

It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.

Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”

Me: “More like alie-outs.”

Alien Leader: “On second thought…”

*zaps me dead with lasers*

Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”

8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?

Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace

I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.

More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.

And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.

So cis people are super normal

Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.

Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.

Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.