My child is going to be really mind blown someday when she buys her first box of lucky charms and realizes that her mother has been eating 90% of the marshmallows for 18 years.
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4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
hate when dogs are anxious. you don’t even understand the concept of money
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Putting my Christmas tree up today. Big day for my cats
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
