Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirt

Interviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?

With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.

Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.

The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.

It’s real life horror movie science

GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?

ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?

HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.

me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me

And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”

If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?

am i feeling hopeful about the future?

professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-

me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it

professor: okay there is one stupid question

I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.

Quarantine log, Day 8:

Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.

Me: What for? You have plenty of food.

Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.

Me:

Me: You can talk!

Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.

My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger

I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!

My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.

[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]

Me: what is this

Climate: change

As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.

On a related note, my new contacts came in.

don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead

You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now

If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.

I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts

How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home

How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.

My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂

My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.

[first weekend away from the kids]

ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes

PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday

The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.

[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here

Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie