My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
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Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Finally
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”