Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
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I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
my friends when i can’t do basic math
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast