My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.
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Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.