Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.

The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.

My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married

What about a To-Don’t List?

if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately

When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.

Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.

Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea

Me: ooo I love diarrhea

Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.

My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition

Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.

If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.

I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.

Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move

Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.

Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.

Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet

My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.

Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending

Pandas 🐼🖤

Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?

Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill

I’m not lazy

A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”

When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”

Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.

Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?

“Hi, I have an appoint-“

“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”

Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?

My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”

We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.

You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.