My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.
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I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
sometimes I think about my physics professor who proudly brought his twin babies to class & w/tears in his eyes said I’ve been waiting my entire life to demonstrate the inertia twin paradox and started running around the classroom with one baby. I hope he’s having a good day
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids
If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady
If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch
Women can’t win
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
I’d hang this in my house.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.