My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.
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drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “keith@fbi.gov”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?
Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
About 6 years ago, a new lad at work would have been sacked if I hadn’t spotted what he was doing wrong and stepped in. Now, he’s my manager & records my weekly performance. Without fail I’m 100-110%. It’s really nearer 30% with the rest of the week spent playing FIFA. Cheers bud
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.