My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine
Jfc
You Might Also Like
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
I need a sleep apnea machine, but I have no room in my bedroom. Unless of course I get rid of my movie theater butter pump or my Jimmy Buffett Margaritaville blender.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.