Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!

People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.

In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.

[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone

What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear

To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:

Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.

Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.

Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.

Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere

i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival

Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.

You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.

Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that

[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?

Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.

Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.

Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate

I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.

me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in

her: it says volvo on it

me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]

Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”

The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.

judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”

8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head

The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”

*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*

Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.

I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.

Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority

Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?

Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*

there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse

Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.

Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”

My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now