My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!
Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.
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“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.