My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!
Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.
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My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”
So I went in and applied for the job.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way