Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You are not alone 💚

I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens

CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA

One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.

american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere

I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so

My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.

“Do you have any children?”

Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”

Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more

*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice

Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $2,000.

Is fructose made with real fruct?

ever thought about centaurs and how the bottom half would start walking immediately after birth but the top part would be baby like and flop around for a while.

My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”

Me: “It’s amazing.”

Her: “OK, I’ll join.”

Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”

should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me

ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*

MY DOG: *ears prick up*

ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT

[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s

For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in

You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….

And it’s 8:25 p.m.

Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn

Speechwriter: I have your speech ready, sir. “87 years ago—“

Lincoln: Whoa whoa whoa hang on…

Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.

This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”

.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.

I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.

Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

Ffs

Hot singles in your area are eating chili.

sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory