My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!
Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.
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Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
my dog when i have a friend over
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
also my go-to takeaway order
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.