My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!
Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.
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I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
It’s a gift
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Student email: “hello…”
Student extension request email: “your grace…”
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.