My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
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[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
I was bored.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
nice challenge
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the