@Elizasoul80

My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.

Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”

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@MommaUnfiltered

My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.

@SorryDontClaire

Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears

@Shock_Monster

Anyone that says there are no stupid questions has never had to explain to a 5 year old why there are no pink bananas 267 times today.

@VaguelyFunnyDan

Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.

@NicestHippo

DETECTIVE: There are signs of a struggle here
[earlier that morning]
ME: *trying to get up for work*

@FrauFickenDammt

A white man beaten with a wheel of Parmesan claims it was a hate crime. Cheese on cracker investigation begins.

@coolauntV

interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?

me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time

@BrainFumbles

They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.

@Darlainky

All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!

-if bras could talk