My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
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Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Anyone that says there are no stupid questions has never had to explain to a 5 year old why there are no pink bananas 267 times today.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
DETECTIVE: There are signs of a struggle here
[earlier that morning]
ME: *trying to get up for work*
A white man beaten with a wheel of Parmesan claims it was a hate crime. Cheese on cracker investigation begins.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk