My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
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I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.