My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
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A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Sunday
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.