My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
You Might Also Like
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.
broke down and did it
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
I have so many questions.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.