Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?

[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want

People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.

My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.

Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.

Peter: *harpoons a guy*

Jesus: Too literal, bro.

I put my pants on like everyone else….

After sex.

Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.

Friend: Whatcha up to?

Me: Just chewing my toenails.

Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.

Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?

I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”

[the creation of nostalgia]

GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings

ANGEL: okay

GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings

ANGEL: uh—

GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again

ANGEL: dude what is your problem

I’m so glad the internet is like this now.

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

Me: *being patted down* I can explain

Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening

3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it

-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place

Interviewer: Why should we hire you?

Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.

Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.

I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.

The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”

“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.

At the park.

4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?

Me:

Me:

Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!

Me: one taco without strawberries

Taco Bell guy: strawberries?

Me: no thank you

Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?

Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up

– squirrels

*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.

[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.

Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself

If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.

And brother, it’s starting to rain.

Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.

Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Lil’ Jon: WHAT

Priest: you say “I do”

Lil’ Jon: OKAY

Priest: I do

Lil’ Jon: OKAY

Priest: I DO

Lil’ Jon: YEAH!

I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.

Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.