Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The pizza theorem:

“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”

-Science

{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.

I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless

I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone

Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?

You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.

Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?

Me: Please, they’re starving.

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.

It’s true.

After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades

I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.

liiiiiiiiike

“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”

Me: Oh problem, definitely

“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”

Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is

(credit Morgz, account missing)

In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.

“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”

– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong

I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine

SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]

We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.

The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.

I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.

Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..

doctor: the bad news is you’re dying

me: so there’s good news?

doctor: not for you, no

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.

If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?

An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.

My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.

You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider

Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.

[Baby shower]

Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.