My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked
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The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8