My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked
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[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Single worst piece of software ever invented
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality